 THE ATTACK OF THE VAMPIRE KING EDWARD POTATOES THAT GRUNT, SNORT AND SET OFF CAR ALARMS AT 4 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING!
FILMED IN
CHEAP-BUT-CHEERFUL-ONLY-GROSSING-PEANUTS-AT-THE-BOX-OFFICE-
O-VISION!
PART 6
The Story So Far
"A NOTE OF WARNING: The narrator ended his strike in the pub last night. But whilst he was there he decided to take up the landlord on his hospitality. And this morning, he is paying the consequences. So please be quiet..."
"Please shut up, I’m not in that bad a state..."
"OKAY!!!"
"Aaaarrrrggghhhh! Not so loud!"
"Just get on with it, time is money..."
"Oh. Right. I missed last times, what happened?"
"Okay, here’s what happened. After vanishing in a cop-out way, Steve and Joan found themselves suspended above a vat of hungry Vampire Potatoes, with the rope holding them in the air ready to snap in 5 minutes. Meanwhile, the dic-‘tater’ planned his attack on the major cities in the World with his genetically cloned Potatoes."
"Thanks! Now I don’t have to do it, so I can let my brain rest!"
"Curses!"
And the story concludes!
We join the Dic-‘tater’ in the carriage hold of his mothership, ready to drop his first lot of potatoes.
"Hold on, ‘lot of potatoes’ doesn’t sound right."
Can you think of a better description?
"Hmm, may be not. I’ll carry on with the script now."
Okay. You do that.
"Right. Where are we?"
Page twenty two.
"Thank you. Ah yeah, so, now my plan comes into force as I send down my first consignment of spuds! Actually, that sounds better than ‘lot of potatoes’."
Just get on with the script.
"Oh. Sorry. Okay, and by now that pair of trouble makers will have met a ghastly death at the hands (and mouths) of my vicious Vampire Potatoes! HAHAHAHAHA!"
Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!! Don’t laugh so loud!
"Sorry. And now nothing can stand in my way!"
"Don’t be too sure, you evil person!"
Stood at the doorway was two figures. One looked magnificent in flowing cape and heroic pose, and the other looked like Joan.
"We’re here to stop your plans for world domination. And then maybe get back home."
"Curses! How did you get out of your demise?"
"Do you really want to know?"
"No, not really."
"That’s good, because the scriptwriter is too lazy to think up of an escape plan."
"Something tells me he won’t write the sequel!"
"Anyway, we’re here to end your shenanigans."
"Too late, caped person and Joan, as all I have to do is press this button and my plans are started."
"Blimey! But wait a second, what does this red button do, so conveniently placed by my right hand here?"
"That’s the release button."
"Oh. Hold on a second, I’ve thought of something. You used vodka to store those potatoes last time."
"It’s necessary."
"But to make vodka, you have to kill potatoes..."
"Yes I do."
"...and the Vampire King Edwards attack anything that kills potatoes."
"That’s the plan... oh bugger..."
As the Vampire King Edwards realise that their creator is guilty of potatocide, Steve and Joan watch the fun as the Dic-‘tater’ runs for his life towards the escape pod.
"Looks like all seems to have ended well for us, Steve."
"Except there’s no-one at the controls, Joan."
"Oh, that may just be a bit of a problem, Steve."
It was at this point that a handful of the potatoes, realising their predicament, took the controls and steered the ship safely to the ground. Almost.
"Sorry about that, Steve and Joan, none of us have any flight experience."
"Blimey, a nice Vampire Potato."
"Yeah, well we got a bit bored of this bloodsucking and enslavary lark, so when you showed our leader to be a hypocritical murderous cretin, we had the chance to overthrow him. We’re off to find a nice planet with a breathable atmosphere and nice, slightly alkaline soil where we can rest our roots."
"Okay, could you drop us off somewhere in the north of England?"
"Sure thing."
There was a sudden chunk and whoosh, followed by a crunch.
"What was that?"
"I think that was the Dic-‘tater’, realising that we’ve landed AFTER launching the escape pod..."
"Ow. I bet he’s got a narrator-sized headache now."
After the goodbyes, Steve and Joan returned to the ground and watched the ship vanish into the air.
"Hmm, I wonder if we’ll see them again Steve?"
"Probably, look, the escape pod of the Dic-‘tater’ is empty, Joan."
"Looks like they’re making a sequel then Steve."
THE END (or probably not, with the possibility of a sequel and all that!)
HOW long will the world be safe?
WHEN will the sequel be started?
WILL I still get to be narrator?
WHO do I go to see to pick up my hopefully substantial pay cheque?
THESE QUESTIONS AND MORE ARE NOT ANSWERED IN THE NEXT EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF...
THE ATTACK OF THE VAMPIRE KING EDWARD POTATOES WHO GRUNT, SNORT AND !
(because there isn’t a next exciting installment!)
Written, starring, directed and produced by Glen S. Passman.
An ‘I can’t believe I’ve finished the damn thing!’ production.
Copyright © Glen Passman 1997.
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