 THE ATTACK OF THE VAMPIRE KING EDWARD POTATOES THAT GRUNT, SNORT AND FORCE PEOPLE TO WATCH ENDLESS AUSSIE SOAP OPERAS!
FILMED IN
CHEAP-BUT-CHEERFUL-TOO-SMALL-A-BUDGET-FOR-GENERAL-RELEASE
-O-VISION!
PART 5
The Story So Far
"Where has that narrator disappeared off to? The pub? WE'VE GOT AN INTRO AND HE'S AT THE PUB?! What? He's on strike protesting about the cop-out ending last week? Well, I'm not to blame, I didn't write the damn thing. Looks like I'm going to have to do the whole thing myself...
"As the Vampire King Edwards attacked Las Vegas, Steve donned on the disguise as the glorious Potato Masher Man, and Joan just looked helpless and attractive as in the great tradition of 50's B-Movies. As Steve and Joan vanquished the Potatoes, aboard the mothership stood the rudimentary mysteriously shadowy figure, watching his plan collapse. Then our heroes just disappeared...
"Hold on, the narrator's right, that IS a cop-out ending. SCRIPTWRITER?"
"Yeah?"
"That last ending was a bit crap."
"Hold on, how big do you want this 'story so far'?"
"Ah, copping-out again?"
"Yep!"
Story Starts Here... (© Cop-out Titles Inc)
Steve and Joan awoke to find themselves in the heart of the Potatoes lair, hanging high over a vat of liquid.
"What happened Steve?"
"Well, Joan, we vanished in a cop-out kind of way at the end of last time's episode, so we must have appeared here."
"Indeed you are right, Potato Masher Man," said the voice from the shadows.
"Oh my god, it's the rudimentary mysteriously shadowy figure, Joan."
" So it is, Steve."
"Indeed," said the rudimentary mysteriously shadowy figure. "But I am much more than that. I am known throughout the galaxy as the Dic-'tater'."
"What a terrible pun, Scriptwriter..."
Back to the script please. As bad as the writing is, it's still costing us money...
"Okay, sorry. Anyway, why the change of name?"
The producer said that 'rudimentary mysteriously shadowy figure' took too long to say, which was costing money, so they shortened it a bit."
"Fair enough. Anyway, lets get back on with the story."
"Good idea."
"Okay, so what is this predicament you have placed Joan and I in?"
"Below you is a vat of vodka..."
"Nice way to go!"
"SILENCE! Anyway, below you is a vat of vodka containing five hundred very hungry Vampire Potatoes."
"Oh. Not a nice way to go."
"Exactly! In five minutes, the ropes holding you above the vat will snap, and you will plunge to your deaths."
"Five minutes, just enough time for you to give away your plan and make the rudimentary getaway by law! (Evil Characters Act (1948) Rule 4b paragraph 2)"
"Exactly. Now, here is my plan. I will repopulate the main cities on Earth with a special clone-produced Vampire Potato. I will use them to enslave humanity, allowing me to take over the World!"
"Is Las Vegas really a major city?"
"No, but I fancied a bit of gambling first. But YOU spoilt my plans! So I bid you farewell, and here is my getaway!" And with that the Dic-'tater' vanished.
"Cop-out escape plan there!"
"How are we going to get out of this one Steve?"
"I'm betting that Mulder and Scully make an appearence, Joan."
"But they're fictional characters Steve."
"So are we, Joan."
"Oh yeah."
Meanwhile, in the hold, the Dic-'tater' prepares his attack force of potatoes ready for his invasion of Earth.
"So my potatoes, the time is here to take over this puny planet and enslave it's inhabitants. You all know what to do. Any questions?"
"Where do babies come from?"
"Any other questions? No? Then we shall attack tonight! HAHAHAHA!!!"
And with that diabolical laughter (to go with the diabolical scriptwriting), we leave the penultimate part and I go off to join the narrator in the pub on strike.
IS the World safe from the potatoes as we waffle along?
HAS the scriptwriter ran out of potato jokes?
HOW will Steve and Joan get out of this one?
WHERE DO babies come from?
THESE QUESTIONS AND MORE ANSWERED IN THE FINAL EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF...
THE ATTACK OF THE VAMPIRE KING EDWARD POTATOES WHO GRUNT, SNORT AND STICK SWEATY ARMPITS INTO PEOPLES FACES!
Written, starring, directed and produced by Glen Passman.
A 'crap writing but that's what you get on the cheap!' production.
Copyright © Glen Passman 1997.
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