 THE ATTACK OF THE VAMPIRE KING EDWARD POTATOES THAT GRUNT, SNORT AND STEAL SWEETS FROM SMALL CHILDREN!
FILMED IN
CHEAP-BUT-CHEERFUL-TWO-YEARS-IN-PRODUCTION-AND-NO-MONEY
-SPENT-O-VISION!
PART 4
The Story So Far
"Right. This time you're on your last warning..."
"Oh. Right."
"..muck this up and you're fired..."
"Oh. Right."
"...and we'll get Bruce Forsyth to do it instead."
"OH! RIGHT! With the Vampire King Edward Potatoes driving their Lada towards Las Vegas, Steve and Joan became the mighty Potato Masher Man and his sidekick, erm, Joan. But with the fate of Las Vegas and ultimately the world hanging in the balance, can they stop the potatoes in time? I hope you were joking about Bruce Forsyth."
"Yeah, but it got you to do a decent job for once!"
"Oh. Right!"
And now the story continues! (Nice to see you, to see you NICE!!!)
Steve searched the remains of the crashed car to find a number plate.
"It's our car, Joan."
"They mustn't have been able to reach the brakes."
"Come on, we've got no time to lose."
Meanwhile, back on the Potatoes' spaceship, the rudimentary mysteriously shadowy figure watched Steve and Joan's progress with interest.
"Hmm, we could be in for a bit of competition here, someone's trying to have a sillier idea that we are. Still, isn't it amazing how us bad guys in these sci-fi B-movies always have invisible cameras that follow the action about."
You're right. I never noticed that before. And what about how they're always mysteriously shadowy, viewed from the back, and have deep commanding voices?
"Hmm, yeah, and..."
"OI! There's a story going on here!" said Steve to the invisible camera that was following the action about.
"Oh. Right."
Oi! That's my line!
"Sorry."
Anyway, during the time this little conversation was occurring, the potatoes had reached a vegetable stall and had proceeded to mingle.
"WAKE UP! WAKE UP I SAY, YOU DUMB CARROTS!"
"O Lord General sir, it seems that they're..."
"They're what?"
"Hold on, I was just putting in a gap for dramatical suspense."
"Oh. Sorry."
"Well, they're... dead, sir."
"Oh god. THESE MURDERERS MUST PAY!"
It was at this point that the view suddenly changed to that of the top of the high building that was conveniently placed next to the vegetable stall, for here was a vision in lycra holding a potato masher. Heroic music flowed from nowhere as he launched himself into the air in the style of a famous superhero he was imitating. Unfortunately, due to the fact that he failed to own any special powers, he hadn't the ability to fly, and he plummeted towards the ground. Several onlookers watched him.
"Is it a bird?"
"Is it a plane?"
"Is it a rock?"
"Is it a sad excuse for taking the superhero idea and turning it into what can only be classed as a poor parody on the theme?"
I hope you know that by the time you finished that line, he'll have been splattered on the ground. Now stick to the script.
"Oh sorry. NO, IT'S POTATO MASHER MAN! I still feel silly doing this. There has to be something in my contract against it."
SHUT UP!
"Sorry."
By the magic of cinema, Steve was still plummeting quickly towards the vegetable store. Before he could say his next line, he landed on the canopy, bounced, and tore through on his next hit landing on the vegetable trays and crushing the potatoes.
"Ow. I hope doing my own stunts pays extra."
How about reading the script?
"Oh yeah. Fear not citizens, I have saved you from the perils of the alien potatoes!"
"I wonder how hard it is to get mashed potato out of lycra, Steve."
"Well, I feel there may be some time to go before this gets washed, Joan. I don't think it's over yet..."
"Why Steve?"
"It's only the fourth part. There's two more to go!"
"Suppose so."
And before they could say any more, Steve and Joan were bathed in a bright light, and disappeared from view...
And on this cliffhanger, we leave the story. Good game, good game! Didn't they do well?! (cut the bad impressions of Bruce Forsyth, or we cut you and get the real one in.) Oh. Right.
IS Las Vegas safe from being boiled by the potatoes?
WHERE have Steve and Joan disappeared to?
WHO is the rudimentary mysteriously shadowy figure?
DOES Joan know that Lycra is a 40 degree wash after using a mild stain remover?
THESE QUESTIONS AND MORE ANSWERED IN THE NEXT EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF...
THE ATTACK OF THE VAMPIRE KING EDWARD POTATOES WHO GRUNT, SNORT AND KICK SMALL DOGS JUST TO HEAR THEM HOWL!
Written, starring, directed and produced by Glen S. Passman.
A 'blimey, only two more to go before the sequel!' production.
© Glen Passman 1997.
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