 THE ATTACK OF THE VAMPIRE KING EDWARD POTATOES THAT GRUNT, SNORT AND PICK THEIR NOSES IN PUBLIC PLACES!
Filmed in
CHEAP-BUT-CHEERFUL-ONLY-COST-A-FIVER-TO-MAKE
-O-VISION!
Part 1
The Story So Far...
"There isn't one."
"What?"
"Erm, there isn't one. It's the first part."
"Oh. Right. What am I doing here then? I'm paid to do the story so far."
"Yes, but you're also paid to do the 'watch the next exciting episode' etc."
"Oh. Right. What do I say now?"
"Nothing yet."
"Oh. Right."
Now On With The Story (do I get paid for saying that too?)
It was a dark, cold night in the Nevada Desert. Steve and Joan were completely lost. They were supposed to be in Sheffield two hours ago, which shows how lost they were.
"Are you sure this is the Yorkshire Dales, Steve? Looks a bit sandy for my liking."
"Maybe we're on Southport Sands, Joan. I mean, there's a lot of sand there."
It was at that point which a series of psychedelic lights suddenly burst into life in the night sky above them.
"I don't remember those lights in Southport."
"Probably just the fun fair having a power surge."
Then a darkened shape appeared in the vicinity of the lights, blocking out the stars.
"Oh my God, Steve, what is that flying-saucer-shaped object?"
"Erm, a flying saucer, maybe?"
"Oh. But what are those potato-like things parachuting out?"
"Christ, Joan, it's the VAMPIRE KING EDWARD POTATOES THAT GRUNT, SNORT AND FART IN PACKED LIFTS, BLAMING IT ON THE PERSON NEXT TO THEM!"
"How do you know that?"
"I looked in the script."
"Oh. What now, Steve?"
"Well, accelerating to speeds equivalent to a Formula 1 car on steroids could seem a viable option, Joan."
"But Steve, we're driving a Lada."
"Oh. Oh dear."
Steve pushed down on the accelerator and drove off at speeds equivalent to a snail after taking tranquillizers, unaware that the Vampire King Edward Potatoes had landed on the roof of their car and were proceeding to open the boot to hide.
It was daybreak and Steve and Joan had arrived just outside the city limits of Las Vegas. Steve stopped the car (there wasn't much difference to the speed) and went to the boot to get some food.
"Joan, did you forget to close the boot?"
"No. Why?"
"Oh, it's just open, that's all. OH MY GOD!!!"
"What is it, Steve?"
"It's the Vampire King Edward Potatoes! They hitched a ride in our boot!"
"Grunt."
"I hope that was you, Steve."
"AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!"
"I hope that wasn't you, Steve... SCREAM!!!!!"
"Snort. Grunt. PPPHHHH!"
"Oh my God, one just blew a raspberry at me, Joan."
"What shall we do now, Steve?"
"RUN FOR IT!!!"
So as Steve and Joan do a runner, leaving Las Vegas to the mercy of the Potatoes, we finish this transmission.
HAS Las Vegas had its chips?
WILL Steve and Joan break the 100m record?
HOW much will I get paid to say all these silly questions?
WHEN do I get my money?
THESE QUESTIONS AND MORE ANSWERED IN THE NEXT EXCITING INSTALLMENT OF...
THE ATTACK OF THE VAMPIRE KING EDWARD POTATOES THAT GRUNT, SNORT AND PULL MOONIES IN FRONT OF YOUR GRANNY!
Written, starring, directed and produced by Glen S. Passman.
An 'I got bored during the holidays so I did this instead' production.
Copyright © 1995-1997 Glen S. Passman.
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